I used to love out loud but not anymore
There was a time when my love
Like the coat of many colours
Was shown off to anyone I fancied
But I have learned..
Learned that the ones you love can be cruel
They can eat your love and spit it out
They can rip your coat to shreds as you watch
I have learned to love silently
To wait..
To be sure before falling
Sure before giving
Sure before loving
I have learned to hide my love
Grief is a birther of change
I loved hosting parties
Loved reaching out to friends and family
Now I don’t pick up the phone
I forget to text back
I cherish my company above anyone else’s
I’m holding my breath for that day
When the ones I love will grow tired
Tired of my slow, jagged responses
My heart is willing but I remain frozen
Something has changed
He’s been gone for a year
But I was grieving long before that
Grief sucked up all the oxygen and left a void
Grief is a birther of change
Today you would have been 67
Today I would have called to wish you a happy birthday
Today there would have been balloons and cake
Things to remind us that we had you for another year
I miss your laugh
I miss your jokes
I miss dancing with you
I miss your jabs
I miss being lovingly teased
It hurts so much
That today of all days
You’re not here
No “happy birthday”
Just memories
Of the last today when we still had you here
Is it love if it hurts?
If it leaves tears in your eyes?
If you lay awake at night, wishing the pain would go away
If each encounter feels like a punch to the gut
Or is it love if it doesn’t?
He says you said things you didn’t mean
You hurt him more than he thought possible
Your words were like daggers to his heart
But I’m different..
I make him laugh
I bring him peace
My words are a salve to the wounds you caused
But…
He said the same words to you at the start
So am I? Different?
There’s no easy way to say this..
I have feelings
I’ve had them for a while
But it always felt too risky
Like it was never the right time
I don’t want to live life with any regrets or what ifs
I have no expectations
Okay, maybe a few
But first, I’d like to get this off my chest
Toying with this conversation in my mind
Do I tell him? Do I not?
Is the risk to my heart one I’m willing to take?
Am I a fool for leaving room for hurt?
It’s been a month
But it still feels odd speaking about you in the past tense
Whenever I look at your clothes,
Your favourite couch
Your mug
I’m reminded that you’re gone
That I’ll never see you again
Never hear you laugh
Never dance with you
I don’t cry in the shower anymore
But my chest still tightens when I talk about you
Your incessant worrying used to upset me
Yet now I’d give anything to have you here worrying about me
From the top of this 22 floor building
Lagos looks almost peaceful
Bright lights canvas the street
From the few homes and businesses that can afford it
The buzz of traffic is gone
There is only silence
And the steady beating of my heart as I take in the view
You could almost forget the madness that it was 2 hours ago
I’m no longer shocked by death
No more surprises
No new tricks
Today an old friend passed
My response is robotic
“Wow”
“How sad”
“Gone so soon”
So many have passed
More than I care to remember
I’ve grown numb
Life must go on